What’s My Line?

Hello everyone out there in TV-land. Welcome to the revival of “What’s My Line?” Most of you in the slightly older crowd remember the early version of this show that ran for a couple of decades. Remember the host, John Charles Daly? He was a really smart fellow. His panel of Hollywood experts was a bit less sharp as you may recall. They were minor stars with dubious careers. The premise today is the same. Our panel will ask questions and try to guess what our mystery guest is famous for. There’s no prize money. Just the pleasure of watching our stars embarrass themselves.

Tonight we are proud to announce that our panel will consist entirely of famous politicians. As you know, in today’s world it’s important for politicians to connect with the common man. They must endure endless talk shows, variety shows and now quiz shows in order to appeal to men and women, and those of uncertain gender, of all ages.

My name is Bob Barker. You may recall that I hosted “The Price is Right” since television was invented. I know, I was reported to be dead, but I actually just took a well-earned sabbatical as a Walmart greeter. Many people recognized me but I assured them I was Bob’s twin brother Marvin, so as to not blow my cover. I rather liked the job. When asked by a customer to direct them to the toilet paper, I would say ‘First tell me the price of a 4 pack of Charmin’. Then I would direct them to choose aisle 4, 5 or 6. Well, this gig just came up and I couldn’t resist.

Enough of me, let’s introduce our distinguished panel. First we have President Donald Trump. How would you prefer to be addressed and then tell me one sentence that describes you best. “Bob, you can call me ‘The Donald’. And for the sentence, that’s easy- “Build the Wall!”

Sitting next to The Donald we have the presumptive Democratic nominee, Senator Joseph Biden. Senator, the same questions. “Look, I want to give it to you straight. Just call me Joe. My sentence is (huge smile, arms extended to the viewers in a virtual hug) I love everybody”. Fine, Joe. But can someone in the control booth dim the lights a bit over Joe. His white teeth may damage the vision of our viewers.

Next, we have the last defeated presidential candidate, Secretary Hillary Clinton. Same questions. “I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart Bob. It is a real pleasure to come before the American people once again. I object to the term ‘defeated’. As you know, I won the popular vote by 3 million votes. So you may call me ‘Madame President’. My sentence would be- It takes a village but you need a mayor- me”.

Thank you Madame President. Now our final panelist. The last sitting president, President Barrack Obama. Same questions Mr. President. “… first … I want to thank … you, Robert. You can … call me … Bar … rack. My sentence is- E … quali … ty is what … makes … um … America … gr …” I’m sorry Barrack but your time is up. Let’s all of you put on your masks and I will introduce our mystery guest.

The Donald jumps to his feet, “What’s this about masks? I don’t wear masks. They make you look ridiculous and weak”. Bob reminds him that he signed the contract where masks were clearly mentioned. The Donald responds “I don’t have time to read. I have my people do that. Besides this is clearly a plot by Crooked Hillary”. Madame President rises, “It’s Madame President to you, mister”. The screen goes blank at this point and an announcement appears printed on our screens- “We are having technical difficulties. We will shortly return to our regularly scheduled program”.

After 15 minutes, the program resumed. Bob announces that everyone had their masks on. A compromise was reached. The Donald was allowed to have his face painted on his mask. The guest was revealed and the audience gave an audible gasp. The Donald offered the first question. “Mystery guest, are you often found at McDonald’s?” Yes. “Do you often come with fries?” No. BEEP. Next question from Joe. “I heard the crowd gasp. Are you very attractive?” Some would say I have a certain beauty. “Your voice sounds sexy. Is your voice being synthesized electronically?” Yes. “Do you have long, wavy hair?” No. BEEP. Next, to Madame President. “Thank you Bob. Mystery guest, do you travel a great deal?” Yes. “Do you prefer the United States?” They have been very welcoming so I would have to say yes. “Do you prefer villages to cities?” I would have to say I have a preference for city life. No. BEEP. Now, Barrack, your question, please. “Are you … well known … by most people?” Yes. “Would you …  say … you have a … a …  great … know … ledge of science and … tech …” BEEP. Sorry Barrack, but your time is up.

Here’s a clue, panel. Our guest is often known by a single name. The Donald jumps up, “You are Hamburglar!” BEEP. Joe smiles broadly. “You are my favorite star in ‘Charlie’s Angels’- Farrah!” BEEP. Madame President turns to Joe, “Don’t touch my hair”. She then shouts out confidently, ‘It’s Michelle’!” BEEP. Barrack begins, “I would like …  to thank … Madame President … for think … ing … of Michelle. I would like … to take an educated … guess … it is likely, with … 57% probability … that it might … “ BEEP. Time is up, Barrack.

Take your blindfolds off panel. Astonished looks are revealed on the faces of the panel. The camera swings right to reveal a microscope on a table with an image on the slide projected on a screen behind the table. Bob announces, “Panel, meet Corona”. Corona, a perfectly symmetrical sphere with red pods protruding did in fact have a certain beauty. Corona then speaks through a voice synthesizer “Hello panel. I am famous for killing 100,000 Americans, so far. It’s a pleasure to meet you”. Bob speaks, “I want to thank you for taking time off your busy pandemic schedule to come on the show”.

Bob goes on as he adjusts his earpiece. “I’ve just been told our show has been canceled. Unfortunately we all are quarantined for two weeks. Since we have nothing better to do I would like to reprise my old show “The Price is Right”. Bob then stands up from behind his desk, walking towards the camera. As he stands tall in his perfectly tailored Armani suit and perfectly styled toupee, he stares into the camera and says, “America, you can play too. Tell me the exact worth of a person, as determined by a team of scientists”. He explains that viewers can call the number on the screen. The winner who is the closest to the correct number without going over it will get a year’s supply of toilet paper delivered weekly by Amazon drivers wearing hazmat suits. “The rest of you can pick one of three doors”. Walking closer to the camera his face fills the screen as he speaks to those at home. “Behind door number one is a lifetime subscription to Netflix. Behind door number two is an all expense vacation to endless pool parties at an Ozark resort. Behind door number 3 is Dr. Fauci. Time to choose”.