Covid-19 Symptom Checklist

It’s not good to be in the high-risk group. But here I am, male and over 70. The odds are bad. Frankly I would rather watch reruns of Gilligan’s Island than do this, but here goes. You can take the test right along with me if you have the guts.

1. Fever- I do feel quite hot. But I am sitting on the deck. It’s 88 with a 57% humidity and a heat index of 71. Sunset, a harbinger of death, is at 7:53 PM. Since my fever is intermittent, I will give this one a half check.
2. Dry cough- Well, I am told by my wife that I clear my throat a lot. In my defense, I just don’t want to sound like Donald Duck with my allergy/sinus issue. But I guess that’s somewhat like dry cough. Half point.
3. Tiredness- Oh yes, 1 point. I can’t get through a single episode of “Shetland” without conking out. Of course, the protagonist often stares out at the moors silently watching the treeless marshes with its swaying grasses as the fog rolls in …. where was I? Oh yes, the survey.
4. Sneezing, sniffles- another point. I stifle a sneeze in the grocery store in order to avoid a 14-day confinement in their break room, but I explode when I hit the privacy of my car. Of course, it could be tree pollen issues. But to be on the cautious side, I’ll take the full point on this one.
5. Cramps and muscle pain- that’s another point. I’ve had pain in my right leg lately and pain in my right forearm. Of course, I am prone to tendonitis.  I’m OK when sitting down but I better take a full point just to be on the safe.
6. Dizziness- that’s a new one they added recently. Yes, I got really dizzy recently when I got up out of my chair and turned to look at something. I thought it was just a mini-stroke but it could have been serious- full point.
7. Difficulty breathing- Not really. But after thinking about it for a while and concentrating on my breathing, it does appear to be shallow. Half point.
8. Loss of taste and smell- I would say no for this one but my wife noted that I smelled bad after working outside in the heat. I didn’t smell anything. So, I will have to give myself a half point.
9. Soar throat- again, at first it would seem the answer is no, but if I think about it, swallowing is a bit difficult and I do detect a slight discomfort in the lower throat area. Half point.
10. Headaches- usually no, but lately after 12 straight hours of CNN I can develop some pain in my forehead. It is often accompanied by nausea and “confusion and inability to be aroused”. So, I have to take at least a half point on this one.

So, I scored 7 out of 10. How did you do? I sent it off to the CDC and they will process this in 10 days or so. They already sent me a note that actual testing with swabs and reagents would be delayed for 4 months. They did say that the CDC was negotiating with Germany, South Korea, Iceland and Pago-Pago. They all have tested everyone two or three times and they are happy to send along their extra tests to us if we would just pay the UPS charges. Out President is negotiating the greatest deal ever with UPS and we may yet beat that 4-month goal. Thank you, Mr. President for the check you sent to me, personally signed by you. But I really just want to know the results of my survey, aka testing. I look below for the dreaded results.  Here it goes.

“We regret to inform you…. (loss of consciousness there for several seconds) … that your condition is serious and fatal. (I think that’s redundant). There is no treatment. Thanks for your service in completing this survey, aka testing”.  At the bottom of the email I read the diagnosis …

DSM# 399.66…                 Old Age

Well, “piss-off” Corona, I have a real problem here