What Have We Learned?

We are still in the early stages of the Corona event. I prefer to use the word “event”. It has no connotations, either positive or negative. You know what happens to your cortisol and adrenalin levels when we hear on the TV news words such as “catastrophic, tragic, record shattering, life threatening”.  And those are just the words used to describe the toilet paper shortage.

“Breaking News” is accompanied by big bold visual letters and dramatic music probably borrowed from the soundtrack of “Mad Max- Furry Road”.  Then we hear the news after our nervous system is ready to leap into action. Poppy readies us, “OK Wolf, tell us about the latest Breaking News!” … Wolf stares into our souls with a pitying glance as he speaks in a low, serious voice, “Scientists now predict a major calamity (pause)- the earth will spin off its axis in 4.1 billion years, killing every living thing on the planet. A terrified public is rioting in the streets. Now back to you Poppy”. This is usually followed by a toilet paper commercial or an ad for Viagra. Who wouldn’t want to defecate? And an erection now is impossible!

I know, I digressed a bit. Relax. Where are you going in such a hurry? You have nothing to do but to read this as you sit, isolated, in your fifth week of home arrest, I mean quarantine.  Sorry, I’m trying to use less inflammatory language. OK, so back to the lessons learned. Let’s start with the name. Who is in charge of this important naming process? The name “Corona” connotes a giant glow that surrounds all. Pretty impressive. If it was named “Melvin”, who would pay any attention? Great choice by whomever was in charge.  One thing we have learned. If it’s important, give it an important name.

Before you get on my case, I’d like to get something straight right away. Of course, it goes without saying that the first thing we have learned from Corona is that we should appreciate each day, love one another and give thanks for our many blessings. OK, now on to the rest of the stuff we have learned.

First lesson learned: We use way too much stuff. Thanks to Corona we have learned to use less soap, less shampoo, less toothpaste, less paper towels and less toilet paper. The last one was tough. Unfortunately, we have increased the use of adult beverages which remain in ample supply thanks to FEMA who has insured prompt and regular delivery to calm the masses. Smart move FEMA. We may not get enough tests or ventilators but we will have plenty of beer, wine and hard liquor.

Second lesson learned: We don’t need to drive so much. I am currently in my third week on one tank of gas. It’s still at nearly full! It’s magic. Well, actually I only drive once a week to a nearby grocery store. I confess, I also have stopped at Walgreens on the way back. I just wander among the shelves, reading labels- just to confirm that the world is still there, trying hard to sell me stuff. I am tempted to buy a couple bags of Fritos. Two for the price of one! I have to withdraw my hand from the package, slowly. I repeat over and over to myself, “Walk away, you don’t even like Fritos. They’re disgusting. Slowly back up. Good. Run”.

Third lesson learned: We don’t really need sports. This was quite a shock. Basketball, hockey, baseball, and probably football soon- all cancelled. No playoffs, no championships. There will be several chapters in the history books about that. A small chapter on the death toll, but much more about the psychological damage caused by the sudden withdrawal from sports.

Any sport with less than 10 fans can still continue according to the gathering limit of 10, imposed by the CDC. So, for the really addicted, you might try watching some fringe sports on the upper channels (in the 900s): cricket, bowling, camel racing, tree chopping, disc golf, skeet shooting and log rolling. All of these are real sports. Add chess and junior ping pong and your weekend is set. I would suggest trying out the newest sport too- toilet paper shot-put.  The eight or nine fans usually storm onto the field and fight over each roll. It looks a lot like rugby I’m told, which is also on the under 10 fans list.  Watch out for TP shot-put though, it might make it to ESPN.

Fourth lesson learned: We don’t need to eat out five times a week, with the leftovers for the other two nights. We do have a room called a “kitchen” for the purpose of preparing food for consumption. Really. Ask Google. For most people “kitchen” is just a place to store a microwave which was the only appliance needed in the pre-Corona world. The microwave was never used for actual cooking.  It was only used for warming restaurant leftovers and for warming coffee. I have heard of some people making popcorn.  Good for those adventurous souls. In the post Corona world, we will be forced to cook again, like our great grandparents.

Don’t worry, take-out food at restaurants will be permanent in order to give you a rest from all that cooking at home. There may be variations on the theme. I could imagine actually driving into the middle of the restaurant (not unlike a car wash), soaking up the atmosphere, honking for a waiter, ordering a couple of drinks, waving to customers in the next car, eating your appetizer in one room, moving to the next for the entrée, then the final room for dessert and coffee. There, you’ve had a night out. Maybe the restaurant will even throw in a free carwash as you exit.

Fifth lesson learned: Stay close to your children. In the pre-Corona world, family members passed by one another mostly by accident on the way to something. Name tags were necessary in some cases. Now, we can’t get enough of each other. It’s a good thing everyone has a smart phone so that we can be adjacent to one another but still be somewhere else mentally.

When around family, however, be careful to not say, “OK” in response to some question you half heard. I guess that’s how I accidentally signed up for the Toilet Paper of the Month Club.  It turned out fine though. I even got a good deal on a big coffee-table book, 850 pages with illustrations …  “The Stupendously Exciting World of Toilet Paper” by Wolf Blitzer. As a bonus it has fifty pages of two ply tear off toilet paper, appropriately at the rear end of the book, for the next emergency.  It’s the real stuff, Charmin. So, be sure to say “hi” to “what’s her name” as she strolls by in the hallway after her sabbatical in the bathroom. You might end up with another great deal.

Sixth lesson learned: hand shaking is out. I’m not sure how it started in the first place. Someone once told me that hand shaking was to show the other party you had no weapons on you and you come in peace.  With open carry laws blossoming in many states, there’s no need to show you don’t have any weapons. In fact, you want them to see that you are carrying. This will stir up a friendly and lively conversation about cartridge capacity, range and potential use in the coming Apocalypse. Anyway, it’s not certain what will replace the handshake. 

The elbow pump is all we’ve got for now and I find it less satisfying than I had hoped for. You could be carrying a weapon still in your closed hand. You also could “accidentally” miss the other guy’s hand and punch him in the face. So, instead of the fist pump I recommend a fanny pump. It seems to get a good response with a few laughs.  But always ask if it’s OK first or you may get some weird looks and a possible lawsuit.

There, we’re finally done. You can now go to the bathroom.  Remember, less toilet paper.