New COVID-19 Recommendations

The CDC (Can’t Decide Club) has once again altered its recommendations. You might recall that face masks were not advised for a couple of months since it was considered pointless to wear them. Then after 10,000 deaths without the masks, it was decided that masks should be worn outside. Now, after another 10,000 deaths with the masks the CDC has provided newly revised guidelines.

It is now urgently recommended that all citizens wear full body wraps whenever they are in public. This new rule will go into effect next Thursday at 12:01 AM. Thursday was chosen because it was the CDC director’s favorite day.  Also, and coincidentally it was the birthday of the director’s pet poodle, Alphonse. The slight delay in implementing these written guidelines should have no impact on the spread of the virus since the CDC has determined that Corona can’t read and the virus should have no advance warning to prepare for this new guideline. Don’t speak of this out loud as the CDC is not sure yet if Corona can listen.

The director goes on to recommend clear plastic wrap, especially Press and Seal. He also strongly advises that you punch holes in the plastic near your nose to avoid suffocation. Then you must cover the holes with a surgical mask.  Masks for months have been impossible to get but soon they will be available at Amazon with free home delivery if you have Amazon Prime.  

He also noted that many of you export gaseous discharges. Therefor the CDC director recommends punching a few holes in the part of your plastic wrap that covers your rear end. You might be considerate of others by also covering these exit holes at your rear end with fanny masks. These extra large masks are being rushed to production by hard working Chinese factory workers who have recently been cured and have returned to work. Millions and millions of the fanny masks will be available very soon at Walmart.

Some of you may be concerned that a full body wrap of clear plastic might show way too much. Yes, most of you have not had a haircut in three months and the rest of you should have waited and not let your spouse tackle the job. Yes, we know that most of you don’t bother to shave or dress since you aren’t going anywhere. Yes, we know too that most of you have packed on at least 10 pounds due to the regular intake of alcoholic beverages as well as candy bars and cookies. Stress eating and stress drinking are real. Therefore, rather than wrapping yourself in clear plastic you may wish to hide your imperfections.  You can wrap your body in toilet paper, if you can find any. Aluminum foil will work as a substitute.  Foil has the advantage of being easy to spot as you and your family wander about the house late at night looking for the last ice cream bars in the freezer.

Speaking of drinking, the CDC has announced that all establishments selling alcoholic beverages must remain open 25 hours a day. The extra hour is to allow for restocking. After 24 days, we will fall back and repeat the last day due to rushing ahead an hour the previous 24 days. If all goes well, we’ll have a few extra Thursdays this year. But that’s a math problem and the CDC has referred this matter to OMM (Office of Mighty Math).

There is an exception to the full body wrap rule. The CDC crack research department has determined that Corona can not run since it has no legs. Therefore, citizens will be allowed to sprint to their mailbox or even a block or two, as long as they don’t stop. The virus may be able to walk really fast. That’s still being investigated.

If you must seek medical attention please be aware that all doctors’ offices and all clinics are closed. No good can come from inviting all the little Coronas to gather for a convention. Use our helpful self-treatment videos on line. Keep trying if you can’t get on line.  Our CDC site often crashes due to massive hate mail comments. If you must seek actual health care, we recommend duct tape- it will fix anything.

As a last resort you may need to call for an ambulance.  Please be aware that a self-driving ambulance will arrive at your door step within two to six hours due to heavy volume. All EMTs and drivers have selfishly called in sick. Just tell the ambulance which hospital you want to go to and make sure that you are already in it before directing it. We have had a few embarrassing cases of empty ambulances arriving at hospitals. Remember to speak slowly and clearly through your mask. We have had cases where patients have coughed while giving the name of the hospital. Some were accidentally dropped off at a strip club or the local IRS office.  Those places are closed indefinitely and these unnecessary stops will only delay your treatment.

Finally, Dr. Fonsi will try to provide further statistics and recommendations on the nightly installment of “The Donald Speaks”. As soon as Dr. Fonsi starts with the “don’t even think of returning to ‘normal’ in your lifetime” speech, he will be sucked up by a giant vacuum and replaced immediately with VP Hense who will offer thanks and praise for the many brave men and women who serve on the front lines- at McDonalds.

One more thing.  The CDC wishes to issue a disclaimer. There is nothing wrong with your TV.  The words “The President” or “Mr. President” will be uttered by VP Hence and all others on the podium every 12 seconds without reference to content or context. This is just an order from above and it has nothing at all to do with the CDC or with Corona or any of its relatives. So, if you hear VP Hense announce “The toilet paper will be arriving in weeks from Guata … The President …mala”- don’t try to understand it. Just hang onto the words “toilet paper” and be hopeful.

So that’s it for now. You are fully updated. With your bottle of Jack Daniels or your bottle of Miller Lite or your bottle of Valium at your side, or all three, you can now click on reruns of the PBS special, “The Life Cycle of Fungus”.  We can all inhale a deep breath and release with a sigh of relief.  Oh yes, one more CDC guideline.  Shallow breathing only. Corona can’t make it past your nose hairs if you breath in slowly through your nose. It’s a jungle up there. Do not, under any circumstances, clip your nose hairs.  Sleep well tonight knowing your CDC is …. Mr. President … at work.