V FOR VIRAL VICTORY

 

 

V FOR VIRAL VICTORY

 

I am a virus, an infectious agent. My ilk typically consists of a nucleic acid molecule (a complex organic substance present in living cells, especially RNA whose molecules consist of many nucleotides linked in a long chain in a protean coat). Too complicated for you? Too bad. I’m here to hurt you, not help you! I am flat out too small to be seen by light microscopy. I like it that way. Unfortunately, I am able to multiply only in the living cells of a host. All of you are hosts! Ha!

Keep it in mind to make sure you realize I am not a corrupting or harmful influence. I just cause disease! I am not just a piece of some code capable of copying itself. I am proud to state that I typically have a detrimental effect, such as corrupting a complete system or destroying it.  And I am damn proud of it!

My bad, sorry. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Paul Polymer. I am here to tell you about a couple I ran into quite by accident, Valentina Vivienne Vader and her husband Vincenzo Valentino Vader, nicknamed Darth. The Vaders make a most unique couple. All their linen is embroidered with the letter ‘V’. They are a particularly neurotic couple, suffering from xenophobia, acute compulsive behavior, low self-esteem and poor body image. In brief, they are scared of everything!

Upon hearing about the Corona Virus, Valentina promptly unplugged her computer. That infernal contraption wasn’t going to allow some germs into her house!

Vincenzo later informed her that it wasn’t a computer virus, but one that infects humans. Valentina was stunned. She immediately closed and locked all doors and windows, placing tape over all openings to the outside, including all vents, lest those bugs sneak into her house. She used Lysol to wipe and rewipe everything in the house, including Vincenzo and herself! Every piece of clothing was washed and rewashed as was every last morsel of food.

The TV was kept on twenty-four hours a day to garner every possible piece of information about the dreaded plague. The loving couple settled down in their sterile environment, sitting in front of the TV and consoling each other eating pizza and sipping red wine.

“Hey, I am Paul and I’m still here!” To my delight, there was no happy ending to their saga. Valentina and Vincenzo passed away, not from being infected by me or any my friends, but from asphyxiation! Their elaborate precautions blocked all fresh air from the house!

Speaking as a proud member of the Vexing Virus Society, I would never go near those ugly, decaying bodies!