Mysterious Justice, Part Dos (3-4-20)

Life was good for Richard Doolittle or as he preferred to be called Dickie, it was, people agreed a most fitting name. Dickie was the General Counsel at a Government Agency and people who complained that he was not qualified were just spewing sour grapes. It was of no matter that Dickie had never stepped a foot in a court room or had not practiced law for the last ten years.  Rather, Dickie knew he possessed the true requisite requirements: race, gender and genetic mutations (the asshole gene) which were shared by the senior leadership in the Government. Additionally, the small dossier he had complied in his last job was the most important qualification of his.  Dickie had just survived the latest self-inflicted wound which had threatened to derail his career. The $15M loss incurred by the Agency was a direct result of his personal decision making, but it wasn’t his fault that he never read anything. How was he supposed know that difficult female attorney had the nerve to keep all of his emails, including the one where he admitted his incompetence? Dickie knew that after he escaped any accountability he should have laid low but his quest for pay back was all consuming.  In the end it came down to the good ole boy network—they didn’t want to shine a light on Dickie’s activities especially as he allegedly had illuminating pictures of them in his files.  Having dodged yet another bullet in his professional life Dickie could now focus his limited attention on his personal life.

Dickie was married to Lisa a thin unremarkable woman whose height resulted in a six inch difference between them even with Dickie’s heel inserts. Lisa came from old money and lent an otherwise lacking air of respectability to Dickie. Most people found her to be aloof and could not recall the last time they had heard her speak. Instead her silence was a direct result of Dickie monopolizing every conversation as, of course, being a giant mind he was the most knowledgeable person on every subject. Lisa and Dickie lived separate lives with Dickie’s life revolving around his involvement with the First We Save You Evangelical Church of Maryland. Church members like Dickie’s work staff were perplexed as to how he had secured a position as a Deacon in the ministry. Of course they were unaware of his private and direct monetary contributions to Pastor Bill. Ignoring Pastor’s Bill admonishment that his activities were not sanctioned, Dickie used his position as a Deacon to spread the “word.” In addition to spreading the gospel, Dickie was convinced he could drive out demons by laying his hands on the sinner. He traveled twice a year to minister and save the poor lost souls in Bangkok which he found most gratifying.   

On this first day of April 2020 Dickie had left work early to get a spray tan and pick up a new box of Black Onyx Just for Men because in two days he was off on another mission trip to Thailand. Having completed his chores, Dickie decided to treat himself to a cocktail at his favorite watering hole in the seedy section of Baltimore. The bar was dark and still reeked of cigarettes even though indoor smoking had been banned two years ago. Dickie grabbed a seat and proceeded to regale the patrons with tales of his mediocre legal skills. Several hours and six glasses of White Zinfandel later, Dickie slid off his barstool to make the trek home. After reaching his car, a Cadillac Escalade EXT which was painted Red Passion Tintcoat and had heated front and back seats, he spotted a waif in need of saving from sin and Dickie gallantly offered a ride. Confident that he could minister to the lost soul while he drove Dickie set off and shortly thereafter was involved in a horrific car crash with he and his passenger rushed to John Hopkins’ Hospital. Dickie was lucky having suffered minor injuries and was released the next day.  His passenger, however, had not been wearing a seat belt which resulted in numerous broken bones and a concussion.

Upon his exit from the hospital, Dickie was shocked to be met by two policewomen who announced that he was under arrest for driving while intoxicated (DWI). The police officers promptly escorted Dickie to a holding cell where he remained until his arraignment.  The charges against Dickie were extensive and involved DWI with injuries to a minor a Class B Felony. Dickie was distraught worrying about his inability to attend to his ministerial functions as his Thailand trip was now out of the question. Refusing to hire a criminal attorney, Dickie was confident that the Judge hearing his case would recognize this was just a misunderstanding. At his arraignment Dickie informed the Judge of his importance to the legal community and requested dismissal of the charges. To his utter astonishment his request was denied and Dickie’s bail was set at $700,000. Despite his frantic pleas, his wife declined to post his bail and suggested that he sell the Escalade to finance the defense of his disgraceful undertakings. Thankfully Dickie was on vacation and his work would be none the wiser not that they would have taken action against him anyway.  Inexplicably Dickie was confident in his legal abilities and ignoring the legal maxim “that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client” he proceed to trial.

At his trial, Dickie was astonished to learn that the prosecutor had added a charge of soliciting prostitution. Unfortunately for Dickie the lost soul he had attempted to rescue from the streets was treacherous; testifying that Dickie and he had settled on a price for the agreed upon erotic activities. The car accident had occurred while urchin had completed his part of the transaction and he had suffered multiple injuries. Against his lawyer’s advice Dickie took the stand and explained that he was just giving the poor unfortunate individual a ride to his church.  Dickie also opined that he was just trying to save the boy’s soul.  Trying to hide his smirk and distaste, the prosecutor launched into her cross examination.  Dickie’s fate was sealed and the jury returned a verdict of guilty on all charges.  Dickie was again remanded to jail to await his sentencing.  A few days after his sentencing, Dickie’s wife came to visit him in prison so that she could serve him with divorce papers.  It was the first time in years that Dickie had seen her smile and the glee in her voice was unmistakable rendering Dickie speechless, a most rare occurrence.

The divorce was expensive but not as costly as the civil litigation involving the young man who had been injured during the “incident.”  Dickie’s defense was that the injuries sustained were an occupational hazard which was clearly refuted by Dickie’s blood alcohol limit and his criminal conviction. Broke and imprisoned, Dickie thought he had reached rock bottom but as usual he was incorrect. The Government finally terminated his employment citing his conviction of a crime involving moral turpitude which was the same reason cited by the State of Maryland for revoking his law license. Feeling no remorse but intense sorrow at being caught, Dickie rarely left his prison cell. So it was a freak coincidence that one year to the date on the first of April in 2021 that Dickie saw a notice in the Prison Newsletter for a work program. It seems a small company was using convict labor for telemarking internet sales of stimulating toys for the mature male. Dickie was elated, finally a profession that he had experience in and could excel in vice just practice like the law.