OK Bob, I’m Listening

I usually hang up at the first sign of a telemarketer call. I used to listen to the first sentence or two of the pitch before hanging up, for example: “Hello, my name is Bob. How are you today? I have some important information about your car’s warranty” or “I have an important message about your credit card balance” or “Stop! Do  not hang up… I have an urgent message from your savings bank regarding your account” or “Congratulation! You have just won $20,000; I just need some information” or “This is the Mexico City Police. I have a message from your grandson. While on his college break in Mexico, he was arrested and he asked us to call you regarding bail money”.

With much experience I now cut these calls off more quickly, for example: “Hello, my name …” or “I have an import…”or “Congrat…” or “I have an urg…” or “Stop…” or “This is the Mexi…”. I have calculated the amount of time saved each day with this short cut procedure. Extrapolating this out over about 20 more years of my expected life, I figure I will save 4,327 hours which would have been stolen by telemarketers. This saved time would allow me to pursue important hobbies and interest such as raising homing pigeons or taking up a taxidermy career specializing in snakes, rats or close relatives.

Bob has beaten my system, however. He still calls daily. His so concerned about my car warranty he takes the time to call with a different number each day, preventing my blocking. I have reflected on Bob’s obsession with the health and welfare of my car. I have decided that irritation on my part may be selfish. Perhaps I should consider what would push Bob into a career of making 500 calls a day and being rejected on 499 of them. Yes, once in a while Bob might hit a poor demented person who will take the bait, but that’s not much of a career path for Bob. I bet Bob has fallen onto hard times. Maybe his aerospace engineering job was lost to automation; machines are much better designers I bet. Anyway, poor Bob has a wife, three kids and two gerbils to care for. He is probably so desperate he may have to eat the gerbils.

With this thought in mind, I have decided to talk with Bob. I listen to his four-sentence pitch and then Bob comes on the line. I want to show my concern so I interrupt his first sentence, “Let me stop you right there Bob. Before we get into my warranty, I have a few questions. I know your job is extremely stressful what with the 99.8% rejection rate you experience daily. Are you sleeping well? Do you eat healthy foods? Do you have a good helping of green vegetables every day? What about complex carbs, Bob?

Bob seems to be dodging these questions. I think he is either in denial or he is just being polite and focusing on me. As he starts his warranty talk I interrupt, “Are you taking care of your own car, Bob? It’s important that you have regular service? When was the last time you had your car serviced? When you brake do you notice a pulling to the right or left? You can’t be driving an unsafe car Bob. Think of your family!”

After Bob has reassured me that he and his family are safe, he goes back to the warranty issue. I want him to understand that I am listening carefully and that I care about his product enough to get all the details. After his first sentence I interrupt, “Bob, stop for a second. You are doing a great job. But I have a few questions that will help me decide on this extended warranty. First, does this warranty protect me from bird poop? If my poor car gets hammered with excrement from a flock of birds with dysentery will I be able to get the delux $30 car wash under this policy? Believe me, Bob, this happens more often than you think and it is a big problem in the city”.

After Bob answers a few more questions of that kind, I move to the big question. “OK Bob, I know you will cover my power train until I turn 120, but what if I accidentally don’t do an oil change for 23,000 miles. Does this invalidate my warranty?” Probably, he says. I counter, “I don’t think oil changes involve the power train, Bob, whatever that is. I really am not interested in trains anyway. I gave away my HO gauge set years ago”.

As lunch time approaches I have another important question. “Bob, what about discounts for bundling. If I get your warranty can I get a discount if I add other insurance plans? Bob showed the first sign of happiness since our call began, “Well, yes, certainly”. I reply, “Good, I would like to add my three birdhouses and my son’s tree house to the policy”. Bob’s mood seemed to sour a bit as he said “I really have to go now”.

Before signing off with Bob I returned to my theme of concern, “OK Bob, but you must take better care of yourself given the stress of your job. High cortisol levels put you at risk. Make sure you have a prostrate exam soon. Remember, you want the doc to get right up there and search around really good”.

Click, silence.