America’s Sport

A slow steady stream of blood trickled from his three-inch gash over his eye. It made its way into the forest above his eye and then leaped to the cheek below. The crowd roared as he fell to his knees and then collapsed on the mat. Boxing become America’s favorite sport. Its popularity slipped a bit due to the limited advertising revenue- most matches ended after only a few three-minute rounds. The sport ended quickly too, leaving fans hungry for more. America also clamored for team sports with violence.

Baseball had plenty of yelling at officials, booing, swearing and throwing of beer cans at some games. The brush back fast balls were exciting as the batter leaped to the ground to avoid decapitation. If the opponents were scoring a lot of runs it was necessary for the pitcher to hit the batter with one of those fast balls to teach them a lesson. This then led to the bench clearing brawls. The full scale brawls spread out over the infield- excellent entertainment. The game was too slow though between these exciting moments and fans tended to drift away.

Hockey was a blessing. It had fast, continuous action and lots of slamming of players into the wall, tripping them or hitting them with big sticks generously provided by the league. This often led to fights and usually, once again, bench clearing brawls. Fun was had by all as referees watched and waited for the combatants to quit out of exhaustion. Interest in hockey waned when officials cracked down on the fighting and there was almost nobody left on the team to skate.

Basketball was briefly king. Elbows flying, tripping, crashing to the floor or leaping into the stands- all were entertaining, especially with the usual bench clearing brawls after a particularly egregious foul such as smashing an opponent’s face with an elbow, making the nasty hand gesture or calling the opponent ugly names such as “Elmo”. Some spirited fans joined the party by throwing punches at players or at one another. But the game slowed down with penalties every five seconds in the last few minutes of every game. This lengthened the final two minutes of play to about an hour and a half. Fans slept and the game fell off the charts as America’s sport.

In recent years football has become America’s true sport. Violence became central to the game at last, not just as the side show. Yes, getting the ball over the goal line is important, but only if there is series of bone crushing hits along the way. Only in America can there be a sport where elven huge men smash into each other repeatedly shoving or throwing each other to the ground. With at least a half dozen souls carried off the field each game, it truly can be said that America at last had a game to match its spirit. TV fans were especially lucky as they could watch everything in slow motion repeatedly. They didn’t miss the head bouncing off the turf. Advertising revenues soared insuring the sport’s success.

Concern about brain damage threatened to lessen the violence of the game. Receiving several thousand head hits might cause damage to our brain. Who would have guessed? If a player shows signs of head injury such as joining the huddle of the other team, running in the wrong direction, or calling the ref “Mom”- now results in sending the player to the concussion tent. There brain injuries are addressed. If the player can identify which way is “up” he can return to the game. If he fails this test, he might be required to watch a few cartoons. If he can name one of the characters, it’s back to the action.

We know that football is our game but our love of violence will inevitably lead to further improvements in the game such as the use of various weapons in the last two minutes. These might include brass knuckles, whips, chains and electric toothbrushes. Fans can be allowed to throw beer cans, concussion grenades, smoke bombs and Elmo dolls onto the field- but only in the last two minutes. Wait a second. We already have this sport. It’s called war. We just need to modify it to include is live broadcasts, team logos, team mascots, player interviews, team stats and beer commercials.