Breakfast At Benny’s

The bowling ball sized orbs floated above the table. Perhaps they were supposed to look cheery but they reminded me of drones. The waitress was all smiles and dressed like Mrs. Cleaver. She handed me the 8 page glossy manuscript that was nearly two feet long and a foot and a half wide. I wonder if this could be used as some kind of The bowling ball sized orbs floated above the table. Perhaps they were supposed shelter when the apocalypse strikes.

I thanked her for the manuscript and briefly glanced over the first few pages. How could breakfast be so complicated. Her pencil tapped lightly on the pad like a ticking time bomb in a library. My heart rate increased as I realized this was going to be a major challenge. I’m not very good at speed reading. I surrendered and said, “I’m not sure what it’s called but I’ll just have two eggs, scrambled, toast and coffee, black”.

I guess it was a violation of some rule. Deviation from the menu was not allowed. Undeterred she followed protocol, “Would that be the Senior Surprise?”. She explained that included two eggs, toast, coffee and Metamucil. I explained that I was pretty regular and the special wasn’t needed. “Ah, you probably want the Senior Wakeup Special”. She went on to describe this special as two eggs, toast, a muffin of my choice and a super large coffee. I became tense, trembling a bit at my plight- “No, I just want two eggs, toast and coffee”.

The waitress smiled with pity I suspect, and carefully opened the menu to page 7, She pointed slowly to “Simply Breakfast”. Her slow scanning of the lines with her finger was designed to help me focus for a few seconds. All old people have attention deficit disorder or senility- what’s the difference. The picture next to the text clearly showed sausage in addition to the “Simply Breakfast” entry.

I pleaded, “But I don’t want sausage”. She slowly pointed to the asterisk next to the word “sausage” and referred me to page 8 where, at the bottom of the page, sat an asterisk. In tiny print it explained that “bacon can be substituted for sausage”.

The next several minutes have been lost in my mind as you would with any post traumatic stress victim. I was pretty sure that the CIA torture teams had some early persuasive interview training at Benny’s. I don’t have any clear memories of the rest of the negotiation but I surely succumbed to my captor. I glanced down at a sea of plates half filling the entire table. I had apparently agreed to the Grand Blam Breakfast which included pretty much everything in the kitchen. This repast could surely be shipped to Central America where a family of four would happily enjoy this for a few days.

After a careful search, I ate my two eggs and toast then drank my coffee. As I exited I was suddenly frozen by the loud shout of my waitress, “Come again!”. I picked up speed and waved a hasty retreat. I feared my car was wired but it started up without an explosion. I decided I would search for the tracker somewhere on the car tomorrow when I had more strength. Maybe I should have eaten the bacon, pancakes, grits, Danish, fried donut holes, baked apple, granola cereal, fruit plate with whipped cream and peach cobbler with a large orange juice- instead of just the two eggs, toast and coffee.