Water, Water, Everywhere?

It started subtly enough at first. The famed Fontainbleu Hotel on Miami Beach still stood proudly, 64 years after it began its prominence on Collins Avenue. But the ocean waves were quietly lapping over the cream-white sand, ever closer to the rear of the magnificent edifice.

The proverbial writing was on the Neo-baroque Miami Modern (aka MiMo) curved, alabaster walls, or in this case, on the shrinking sands. The effect of global warming on rising sea levels was undeniable and increasing at an alarming rate. No stranger to life’s economic and environmental trends, the hotel’s management turned to its marketing team once again for creative solutions.

Early the next day, the marketing team met over coffee, danish and fresh fruit. First up was Josh Stern with the scientific report. The latest predictions from the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Agency and Florida’s Environmental Department were dire. The 22 acres of beach front would be completely under water within 18 months, and in three to five years, the basement and first floors would be reclaimed by the Atlantic Ocean. So, like the legendary City of Atlantis, in the not-too-distant future the glory and opulence on Collins Ave. – and all of Miami Beach – would slowly sink out of sight.

Next, an animated brainstorming session followed, aimed at making salty lemonade out of nature’s impending seafaring lemons. Moving to a new location was quickly ruled out as every inch of beachfront property was occupied and faced being inundated along the same timeline. The group quickly agreed that they couldn’t fight Mother Nature. Realistic, creative and cost-effective solutions were needed. One week later, the marketing team proudly presented its recommendations:

#1 Guests will be transported from the airport to the hotel by vintage-style paddle-wheel boats that feature Dixieland bands and gambling casinos.

#2 Upon the guests arrival, Venetian-style gondolas await to ferry them through the 17,000 square foot lobby, which will become a natural aquarium. Gondoliers will narrate a tour of the sea creatures on the way to the reception desk.

#3 The lobby’s valet station, previously used for parking cars and hailing cabs, will be replaced by a snorkeling center so guests can check out equipment and explore the aquarium – a low-cost item, since most inhabitants of the aquarium will simply live there or swim in periodically.

#4 Arriving hotel guests will have the option of ascending the legendary “Stairway to Nowhere,” which will by then connect to the new second-floor reception area. Alternatively, new elevators, which will replace the old electric ones, will bring guests to the upper floors, powered by a low-cost (given the plentiful availability of sea water), more efficient water-pressure lift system .

#5 Bell boys will move about via jet skis, and point out locations of historic movie and TV shoots, including The Bellboy (Jerry Lewis), Goldfinger, Scarface, The Bodyguard, and Surside 6.

#6 Security will be provided by ex-Navy Seals, since the hotel will be quite vulnerable to submarines and yachts bringing drugs directly into the hotel lobby.

#7 Water slides will playfully help guests slosh about the hotel – the fastest way to get to the spa and restaurants.

#8 Tennis courts, fresh-water swimming pools and a sandy “beach” will be relocated to the roof.

And, finally, #9 The hotel restaurants will be able to promote serving the freshest “catch of the hour” since they’ll be caught directly from the lobby/aquarium – yet another cost-saver. (Note: Servers will recommend that diners check to make sure their seafood has stopped moving.)