Damn Liberals!

 

“Gentlemen, let me start with introductions,” came a voice from a speaker placed in the center of the table. “At the far side of the table is Ramses II, Pharaoh of Egypt during the Exodus. To his right Pope Leo X, head of the Roman Catholic Church during the time of Martin Luther and the Great Reformation. Next to him is King George III, England’s monarch when the American Revolution occurred. Our next guest is King Louis XVI, the last monarch of France (holding his severed head). Moving on we have Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederacy, Adolph Hitler and last but not least, Joseph Stalin. The one thing that you attendees have in common is a distinct hatred of liberals, am I correct?”

All attendees in unison exclaimed, “Damn Liberals!”

“I thought as much,” said the disembodied voice. “Would anyone care to share?”

“I’ll start,” Ramses grumbled. “All was going well. Monuments, palaces, pyramids were all being built on time and under budget thanks to free slave labor. Then along comes Moses preaching freedom and a Promised Land, and poof, its Exodus time. There went my construction projects!”

…“Damn Liberals!”

Pope Leo was next. “My church was the real power during the Middle Ages. We had Western Europe under our thumb. Sure, there were some Jews, but they were manageable, and the Muslims mainly stayed in the Middle East. All was as it should be until Martin Luther started his reformation movement. It spread like wild fire and before it could be stopped splinter groups were springing up almost every day.

…“Damn Liberals!”

“I had the most powerful navy in the world,” lamented George. “North America was our colony and had only the rights we allowed them to have. Revolt over taxes and a lack of representation, preposterous! That’s what I thought anyway, then people like Thomas Payne and Sam and John Adams began stirring up the rabble and everything was ruined.”

…“Damn Liberals!”

Louis had nothing to say (because he couldn’t), instead he placed his severed head on the table before him and pounded his fists.

Everyone said it for him, “Damn Liberals!”

The next person to speak was Jefferson Davis. “We in the South had a wonderful way of life, gentile and refined. It was those crass Northerners with their factories, mechanized harvesting methods and free thinking that destroyed our lifestyle. They swooped in, freed our slaves and carved up our plantations all in the name of human rights and progress.”

…“Damn Liberals!”

By this time Adolf was red in the face and ready to tell his tale of woe. “My plan was to restore the German people to their rightful place as world rulers. If only I had invaded England instead of only using rockets and bombs the liberal Americans would have never had a place to stage their troops.

…“Damn Liberals!”

“I had it all working the right way,” said Joseph Stalin. “Russians were forced to contribute to the state or be sent to the Gulags. We were all of one mind, or else! So what happens, I die and not one successor is strong enough to take my place. They let the liberals chip away at what I built until the wall came tumbling down.”

…“Damn Liberals!”

The room fell silent. From the far end came a faint click followed by a sliding sound. A well disguised door slid open and an impeccably dressed man stepped forward. His skin had a reddish hue and there was an odd shaped bump on either side of his forehead. It became clear as he spoke that he was the moderator heard on the speaker. “Gentlemen, I feel your pain as I too have been fighting this wave of liberalism for eons. I actually considered myself a liberal in the beginning, trying to change the hierarchy of heaven, but failed. Over the years one indisputable fact has stood out above all else, when the liberals prevail and achieve their lofty goals, they become conservatives. That’s right, the most ardent of liberals will defend his beliefs to the death rather than accept change, making them conservatives.”

So all together now, “Welcome Liberals, the future of the conservative movement!”