Breaking News: Santa Retires

December 24^th, 6:02 pm EST

 

We interrupt this program with breaking news. Santa Claus has announced that he will retire at 6:00 AM EST tomorrow morning after his final run this evening. He states as his reason for retirement that there has been a huge increase in the cost of fuel. Grain futures show no relief. Also he noted flight restrictions have increased over several countries. He was shot at by surface top air rockets last year. Rudolph has been in therapy for a year to deal with his fear of flying. Santa also stated he wanted to spend more time with Mrs. Claus and their pet canary, Albert.

 

One of our sources also has stated that another factor may be that Santa is getting older and he needs to make more bathroom stops during his travels. It is quite difficult since home owners wake up when he flushes at night. They often are not pleased.

 

The elves will be outsourced to Amazon, the company, not the river. They will work in the manufacturing plant for all the cookies they can eat. They will not be assigned to driving due to the height restrictions; a law suit is pending under the equal rights amendment. Meanwhile, the reindeer will be sent to the African Plains exhibit at the San Diego Zoo to join the lions and the tigers. Good luck to them.

 

Santa wants to thank everyone for sending him Christmas lists. These are filed in the Cloud for future market research. Santa also stated his files were recently hacked by Russian operatives. He became suspicious with a recent uptick in requests for Russian hats and vodka. Santa has also agreed to appear before Congress. They are investigating Santa’s tax situation. He admits he has been lax in filing over the last few decades. He would be happy to share them publically if they existed.

 

Santa will be living in an unnamed retirement community in southwest Florida. He plans to lose 150 pounds so that he can participate in the many sports there, including something called Pickle Ball which he states has nothing to do with pickles.

 

Applications for the Santa position can be sent to: Santa’s Workshop, North Pole. Due to the obvious sexism of the whole Santa Thing, women are encouraged to apply. The red suit will be replaced by casual business attire. Candy canes will not be distributed to children due to health risks. Instead children will be given broccoli and carrots. The use of animals in the transportation of gifts has also been eliminated. Toys will be delivered instead by UPS, FedEx, and Uber. Merry Christmas, ho ho ho.