The Evolution of Man

 

Malt Dizzy World presents a thrilling new adventure for children and adults. Children must be at least 3 feet tall in order to reach the candy counter and gift shop shelves. Otherwise, all are welcome!

 

The Age of Premordial Ooze:

 

Suit up in a full plastic suit for a small additional fee, charged to your Visa card and step into the beginning of man. Immersed in darkness, visitors crawl through a thick sludge of unknown substance until they arrive on shore after an hour of toil. Life is hard. Those who fail to arrive on the shore in an hour will be removed from the evolution attraction by a special combing machine that will rake up the useless. They will be deposited into the Black Hole where they will stay until they pay for the “recovery fee” with their Visa.

 

The Pre-Historic Age:

 

Next, hosed off, visitors will enter a jungle scene filled with foot long flying insects and saber tooth tigers the size of a large van. Visitors will quickly construct spears and axes and throw these at these awful inhabitants- and occasionally at each other. Visitors will make fires out of flint, sticks and butane torches (this is not realistic for the time but we only have an hour). Most visitors will make it to the exit within the hour. Some will be carried out by attendants for medical treatment which will be charged to your Visa.

 

The Age of the Hunter:

 

Visitors will stumble into a large area with various forests, prairies, rivers and a mock seashore. They will be encouraged to kill anything that moves with spears, bow and arrows, fishing nets, hand grenades and AK 47s. They may sell anything killed or captured to anyone else in the group, using what else- Visa. Of course Malt Dizzy World will keep a 20% commission for every sale. A few will starve and will be removed from the attraction.

 

The Age of Building:

 

Visitors will construct a small house from pieces of plywood and two by fours. Some will move on to build a McDonalds. Real burgers and fries will then be available for sale, charged to your Visa. Others will build giant churches to praise God and to pray for an increased credit line in order to buy more burgers and fries. Those without building skills will live in small cardboard boxes until the end of the hour. They will then be removed by attendants.

 

The Age of Transportation:

 

Visitors will enter a vast hangar like building. They will select a mode of transportation with each option presenting certain obstacles and challenges. Those who chose to walk will trip over roots and rocks and they will develop blisters from beat up and too tight boots. Those who choose bikes, will spend the hour changing a flat tire and riding only uphill. Those who chose a sailboat will circle the small lake periodically getting hit by the sail while offering ding dongs to hungry circling sharks. Those who choose a train will just stand in line. Trains and subways rarely come anyway. Get used to it. Those who choose a jumbo jet will be treated to low calorie gluten free doggie treat snacks and a sip of water if they ask politely. They will sit at the end of the runway for the hour and fly nowhere.

 

Lucky visitors who choose the time machine option will be able to go anywhere they want to any time. Unfortunately due to a software glitch, they will be dropped into various strange and dangerous places such as the middle of the track at the running of the Preakness, or into Donald Trump’s mind, a strange and wonderful place.

 

The Age of Boredom:

 

Having survived most trials of life and having used most of the Earth’s resources, visitors may now enter the Age of Boredom. This room is a bit warm due to global warming and it may experience occasional tornadoes and flash floods. But most visitors will face the biggest threat to mankind, boredom. Facing little challenge and threat to their immediate existence visitors will be forced to pursue several anti-boredom activities such as, watching baseball for an hour. There may be only a few pitches made due to visits to the mound by the catcher, the manager, the peanut vendor, the parking lot attendant and the pitcher’s mother who will share baby pictures of him in a baseball uniform.

 

Other options include the random spending of money for unnecessary goods. QVC will be pushing jewelry, knife sets and cookware. A virtual mall will offer 15 kinds of toilet paper, 37 kinds of deodorant, 49 kinds of cereal, and 99 electronic games of destruction. Various addiction activities will also be offered. Visitors can chose among eating, smoking, drinking, drugging, gambling, hand washing, stamp collecting, jogging and watching Mash reruns indefinitely.

 

Boredom will consume half of the remaining visitors. Counseling will be available but it too will be boring. It will be charged to your Visa, of course.

 

The Age of Creativity:

 

The final step in the evolution of man is creativity. Visitors who have survived to this point, only about 10% sadly, will be thrown (literally, by catapults) into a huge room with everything they will need to give full expression to their creative urges. This will include pencils, pens, paper, water colors, clay, beads, fishing line, welding torchs, trapezes, jack hammers, super glue, whips, tire chains, Trump hats and potato chips- in no particular order.

 

At the end of the hour visitors can sell their productions to the general public at an arts and crafts sale. They will sell nothing, then suffer simulated starvation and death. They will be offered the option to begin the attraction again or to remain in eternal rest.

 

Final Words:

 

Some visitors may be disappointed to find that there is no Age of War. This was omitted by design since technically speaking it is not a distinct period of human development. Yes, the weapons of war have evolved, but the drive to war has existed throughout mankind and therefore in the technical sense, it is a permanent part of the human makeup, which thus far shows no sign of evolving into something else. Maybe mankind will evolve into a peace and love age, but that was tried and it didn’t last long in the 70s. There were fights over the definition of “organic”, what could be used for money, and who had the best pot.

 

The Evolution of Man will open in the spring of 2019. It will be followed by “Evolution of Man- The Movie” starring Harrison Ford who is between movies now (Star Wars 17 and Star Wars 18). There will be T shirts, underwear, pajamas, socks and toothbrushes. There will also be a Dr. Schofield (creator and artistic director) action figure available. It will have an appropriate puzzled expression and an uncanny resemblance to Alfred E. Newman.