Dear Editor

It’s clear now that the American flag no longer is acceptable in this divided nation.  We need a new symbol all can rally around.  I propose a smiling cow be the new flag of the United States.  Who could possibly be aggravated by a smiling cow? … completely neutral and tasty too.  Let’s all rally around the cow!

Signed: Patriot

 

Dear Patriot,

What are you thinking? Cows are brown, black or even more offensive, black and white. It brings out the hatred lingering in America ever since we arrived on America’s shores only to find strange people dressed in little more than feathers.  No, cows won’t work.  Maybe chipmunks.  Everyone loves Alvyn and what’s his name.

Signed:  True Patriot

 

Dear True Patriot,

You got it all wrong.  Chipmunks are nothing but cute rats.  They are still rats with no tails, in disguise.  They plan on spreading disease and killing us all.  A certain president has been raising them as pets and training them to follow his commands.  Chipmunkgate I’m sure will soon be revealed.

Signed: Rate Hater,

 

Dear Rat Hater,

As a Vegan, I can only respond to Rat Hater with disgust.  We should love and respect all animals, even rats.  All animals have a place in our peaceful, united planet.  As for the cow flag, I’m on board.  The only problem I have with it is the big smile.  Why should the cow have to smile and entertain us?  Couldn’t  he just be a cow, chewing grass peacefully?

Signed:  Can’t We All Just Get Along?

 

Dear Can’t

God made “us” to be at the top of the pyramid… king of all.  Animals are here to serve us.  As for the cow flag, maybe we could compromise to please the tree huggers.  Perhaps our flag could be a Big Mac with large fries.  Now that is American!

Signed:  Burger Boy

 

Dear All You Crazies,

I’ve been hired  to represent Cows United, not Divided (CUD).  Cows of all types are standing up for cow rights.  A recent Gallop poll found 98% of cows were against any participation in any form, in the national symbol debate.  They saw what happened to the Bald Eagle.  The other two percent had no opinion, as they were too busy in the Burger Heaven line.  I will filing a restraining order to halt this abuse.  Now, if Americans pay a royalty fee for each flag, that’s another story.  I will, of course, take one third of the massive settlement. Which reminds me, maybe I should be on the flag.  What’s more American than law suits!

Signed:  Sue and Settle

 

Editor’s Response:

I see no need for any flag at all.  Flags only incite discord and violence wherever they are and whatever is on them.  Down with flags!  Stop writing to me and chill!

Signed:  I’m Sick of You All

 

Dear Editor,

Who made you Final Arbiter?  We’re just having a spirited debate here.  What’s wrong with you?  America was founded on fighting, verbally and otherwise.  It’s in our jeans.  Leave us alone!  By the way, I intend to burn your paper on the City Hall steps right after my pet parrot poops on it.

Signed:  Here’s to Freedom!