Everything Seemed To Be Going So Well

“Hi, I’m Judy, how may I serve you today?”.  The voice had a slightly southern accent, with a mixture of other barely detectable miscellaneous accents floating about.  Perhaps a metropolitan area such as Atlanta?

Anyway, I was greatful to be served.  I thanked Judy for being so quick to answer- three rings by my count.  I also commented that I appreciated her bright, cheerful manner.  “It’s a pleasure to serve you” she said in a slow, inviting tone that made me sit up and brush back a few unkempt hairs asleep on my forehead.

I began, reluctantly as I did not want to break this convivial mood and obvious bond we had established.  “Judy, can you please tell me why there is a five dollar charge on my account?  “Certainly sir, I’ll look that up right away.  I know your time is valuable”.  I offered to give Judy my account number in an effort to lessen her burdens, but she declined.  “Thank you, but that isn’t necessary with our instant phone tracking and voice recognition software”.

Judy paused for five seconds while I tucked in my shirt and unconsciously sucked in my gut a bit.  I know that information flows in nano seconds.  I’m guessing she is told to wait five seconds. I believe I read somewhere that the human brain is so primative that it takes five full seconds to fully focus. That is supposed to change soon.  The new processing chips are being installed already in human volunteers.

“Sir,” she announced with a deeper almost seductive whisper.  I leaned closer to share the secret.  “I’m afraid you were charged for calling this customer service line last month which seems to be a pattern as I look back in your file”.

She continued, “You don’t seem to appreciate and value my time”.  My belly exhaled and hair flew for safety. She went on, “It seems you are a thoughtless customer bent on wasting your time and talent, as well as mine.  I have decided to unplug your services for two months to give you time to review the 74 page easy to read on line manual. After two months you can email an apology to the Director and we shall consider reinstating your service. In the meantime, I will now hang up on your worthless soul”.  I considered interupting to remind Judy that I couldn’t read the 74 page manual if she unplugged my service but her tone suggested it would be futile to plead.

Judy no longer sounded like a sweet blue eyed blond southern girl with a partially unbuttoned blouse.  She sounded like a 45 year old prison guard with a stern hair bun, a facial scar on her cheek and yellowed cigarette and coffee stained teeth tapping her baton nervously in her non dominant hand. Suddenly she again chirpped in delightful southern drawl, “Good bye. Have a wonderful day and thank you for calling”.

I sat huddled in a corner, sucking my thumb and quietly calling for Mommy, to no avail.  I will take my punishment. There is no choice.  Judy was right. It’s all my fault.  Meanwhile in a small windowless office, a red light blinks in the left corner of a computer screen.

A small man with tiny-lensed glasses leans forward, staring at the screen observing the huddled man.  He shakes his head slightly as he types, “To:  HPP (human personality project)…software malfunction department.  Re: Judy. Note:  Remove bi-polar elements of the personality profile”.

He leaned back looking at the still huddled man.  He sighed thinking, “Oh well, science does not move forward in a straight line”.

Lee