Doing My Duty

I look for the ever present cinnamon buns as I enter this sacred space.  There they are, beautifully displayed and beckoning to me as I prepare to exercise my civic duty.  The sweet smell hangs over us as we walk past on our way to the voting booth.  Those patriotic citizens who bribe us into voting with these delicious treats.  The church members here at polling place 217, district 17, precinct whatever, clearly are inspired by heavenly forces to urge us on to promote democracy.  Before the reward comes the voting.  I will soon be given a lovely “I voted today” sticker which I will happily display so I can purchase those heavenly cinnamon buns.

The curtain slides open and close emptying the voters who have joined in this democratic service.  .Let’s review.  If I vote for candidate A, I will vote for the invasion of foreign forces who will force us to eat our children.  If I vote for B, I will vote for endless taxes that will force us to live in mud huts and eat wild berries by the river.  Hmmm, tough choice.  Thanks to informative political advertisements I know more about candidates A and B than I know about my own parents, but they were a secretive lot, so that may not be saying much.

As I recall, candidate A is a serial pedophile and candidate B is a chronic alcoholic womanizer- though the two don’t necessarily go together.  Hmmm. Still a hard choice.  So I must rely on their personal contacts with the electorate.  They have spent two years kissing babies and eating cookies with old people in wheel chairs.   Hmmm. Still a hard choice since, I don’t care much for either babies or for old people eating cookies.

I must rely on their campaign promises.  Can I trust them?  One says there will be a job for everyone if elected.  He might mean there will be jobs cleaning toilet facilities in Federal prisons, for bread and water and a mattress in solitary.  The other promises new roads for all of us.  He might mean there will be roads in states that vote for him.

The there’s the billion dollars plus that each spend for their $250,000 salary.  That makes me cringe a bit as I realize that money could build and staff 40 hospitals in poor countries.  What do other democracies think of us when they do their complete campaigns in just 3 months?  Yes they can be critical.  But consider for a moment that this may be a trial to determine who is the best candidate.  Like college students who have to take calculus in order to get into medical school (have you ever heard of a surgeon doing calculus while he removes your gal bladder?), this campaign business is just designed to remove the weak.  Just think of how hard it is to make the same campaign speech in 500 cities and towns, eat fried butter on a stick at a county fair, smile 23 hours a day, and travel the equivalent distance of a trip to Mars and back- all in two years.

There, I pulled the lever.  Who did I vote for?  I will never tell!  You will have to guess.  Or I can do an exit poll and tell them the opposite of who I voted for.  That’s been done a lot lately and I have to admit it’s good clean American fun!  Now, the best part….the buns.

Lee 5/9/16